it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
