I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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