My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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