I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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