I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
