wakey wakey hands off snakey
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
