Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
