woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
