Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
