How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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