The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
