I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
