Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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