bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dicks are not precious.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
