am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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