Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
