So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
