And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
