I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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