omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
