Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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