We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
