all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
