So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I forget how to act sober
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
