He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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