So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
