Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
