There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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