wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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