my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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