I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
