I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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