And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
this is an emotional support booty call
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
