im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
