there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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