My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
His nipple licking is glorious
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