Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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