OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
