yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
