Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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