you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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