I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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