I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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