My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
