The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
