do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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