my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
