My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
