Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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