i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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