just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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