Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
