i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
